


Cell Block Tango

by BarricadeGhost1832



Category: Les Misérables - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate universe - 1920’s, Cell Block Tango, Chicago, M/M, Probably., Someone help, Song fic, i am sleep deprived, i don’t know what happened, ot could really be any time period, unedited
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-09
Updated: 2020-11-09
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:02:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,377
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27462391
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BarricadeGhost1832/pseuds/BarricadeGhost1832
Summary: Basically just, the song Cell Block Tango from Chicago but with some of Les Amis de L’ABC.
Relationships: Background relationships - Relationship, Enjolras/Grantaire (Les Misérables), Maybe Bahorel/Feuilly? I’m just going to pretend it’s there
Comments: 2
Kudos: 3





	Cell Block Tango

**Author's Note:**

> I don’t know what happened. This is unedited, please ignore my mistakes.

“Pop”   
“Six”   
“Squish”  
“Uh uh”  
“Cicero”  
“Lipschitz”

“And now, the six merry murders of the Cook County Jail  
In their rendition of the Cell Block Tango” A booming voice announces. 

Six men stand in an orderly line, these men are, Bahorel, Jehan, Courfeyrac, Feuilly, Enjolras, and Grantaire. 

“Cicero” Enjolras states.   
“Lipschitz” Grantaire says, most of them are all dressed in more than risqué outfits, Grantaire decided to embrace the costume options by choosing the one that shows his legs, toned from years of ballet. Sometimes he has to remind Enjolras not to stare.   
“Pop” Bahorel is not the type to wear something too riqué unless done drunk, or to embarrass someone. So, his outfit is a plain orange jumpsuit, he ripped the sleeves off in an attempt to seem more menacing, like he has to?  
“Six” Jehan seems to have procured some paint or dye, as his outfit, which was a plain white linen shirt, is now twisted in an array of colours, and to add to his look, he stole the remnants of Bahorel’s sleeves to make a scrappy orange scarf.  
“Squish” Courfeyrac, who had the same thought process as Grantaire, has also chosen a showy set of clothing, though unlike R, he does not have the ballet practice.   
“Uh uh” Feuilly is wearing probably the plainest out of all of them, just his orange jumpsuit.   
“Cicero” Enjolras is not at all impressed with what he’s wearing, but Grantaire had persuaded him to wear a strange white leotard-thing, that covered less skin than would probably be acceptable.   
“Lipschitz” But Grantaire knows Enjolras secretly loves it. 

“Pop,” “six,” ”squish”, “uh-uh,” “Cicero”, “Lipschitz”  
“Pop”, “six”, “squish”, “uh-uh”, “Cicero”, “Lipschitz”  
“Pop,” “six,” “squish”, “uh-uh”, “Cicero”, “Lipschitz”

“He had it comin'” They say in unison.   
“He had it comin'  
He only had himself to blame  
If you'd have been there  
If you'd have seen it  
I betcha you would have done the same.”

“Pop”, ”six”, ”squish”, ”uh-uh”, ”Cicero”, ”Lipschitz”  
“Pop,” ”six,” ”squish,” “uh-uh,” ”Cicero,” ”Lipschitz”

“You know how people have these little habits that get you down?” Bahorel steps to the front of the group.   
“Like Bernie,  
Bernie, he liked to chew gum  
No, not chew, pop  
So I came home this one day  
And I'm really irritated  
And I'm looking for a little bit o' sympathy  
And there's Bernie lyin' on the couch, drinkin' a beer and chewin'  
No, not chewin'  
Poppin'  
So, I said to him, I said "You pop that gum one more time"  
And he did  
So I took the shotgun off the wall  
And I fired two warning shots  
Into his head” Bahorel mimes the shotgun shooting, R dances around behind him in a very elegant fashion, putting his ballet skills to use. 

“He had it comin'” Bahorel moves from the spotlight to make room for Jehan, as they all continue with their chanting, justifying Bahorel’s actions.   
“He had it comin'  
He only had himself to blame  
If you'd have been there  
If you'd have heard it  
I betcha you would have done the same”

“I met Ezekiel Young from Salt Lake City about two years ago.” Jehan smiles, he places his hands on his hips and sways a bit.   
“And he told me he was single  
And we hit it off right away  
So, we started living together  
He'd go to work, he'd come home  
I'd fix him a drink, we'd have dinner  
And then I found out  
"Single" he told me  
Single, my ass   
Not only was he married  
Oh no, he had six husbands.” Grantaire and Courfeyrac make a show of being scandalised, continuing their rhythmic dances.  
“One of those Mormons, you know   
So that night when he came home from work  
I fixed him his drink as usual  
You know, some guys just can't hold their arsenic” He smiles again, this one is more of a malicious grin.

“He had it comin'  
He had it comin'  
He took a flower  
In its prime” Jehan nods, proud to be compared to a flower.   
“And then he used it  
And he abused it  
It was a murder  
But not a crime”

“Now, I'm standing in the kitchen.” Courfeyrac takes his place.   
“Carvin' up a chicken for dinner  
Minding my own business  
In storms my husband Wilbur in a jealous rage  
"You been screwin' the milkman, " he says  
He was crazy  
And he kept on screamin'  
‘You been screwin' the milkman!’  
And then he ran into my knife  
He ran into my knife ten times” Before he leaves Courf gets as many sexual dance moves as he can into his stage routine. 

“If you'd have been there  
If you'd have seen it  
I betcha you would have done the same!”

“What am I doing here?” Feuilly says, the bewildered look in his eyes doesn’t match the insane gaze the rest of them have.   
“They say my famous tenant held down my husband while I chopped his head off.  
But it's not true. I am innocent.  
I don't know why Uncle Sam says I did it.  
I tried to explain at the police station but they didn't understand me…”

“Yeah, but did you do it?” Courfeyrac asks, pausing his dancing for a moment. 

“Uh uh, not guilty!” Feuilly yells.

“My brother, Michel and I had this double act  
And my husband, Charlie traveled round with us.” Enjolras starts.  
“Now, for the last number in our act  
We did these twenty acrobatic tricks in a row  
One, two, three, four, five, splits, spread eagles  
Back flips, flip flops  
One right after the other” He pauses, walks around the stage in perfect time with the beat.  
“So this one night before the show we are down at the Hotel Cicero  
The three of us, talkin’  
Havin' a few laughs  
And we ran out of ice  
So I go out to get some  
I come back, open the door  
And there's Michel and Charlie   
Doing number seventeen...  
The spread eagle!  
Well, I was in such a state of shock  
I completely blacked out, I can't remember a thing   
It wasn't until later  
When I was washing the blood off my hands  
I even knew they were dead.” He runs his hands through his golden curls, 

“They had it comin'   
They had it comin'   
They had it comin' all along  
I didn't do it   
But if I'd done it  
How could you tell me that I was wrong?  
They had it comin'   
They had it comin'   
They had it comin' all along”

“They took a flower in its prime” The others sing. 

“I didn't do it” Enjolras’ tone tells otherwise.

“and then they used it” 

“But if I'd done it”

“How could you tell me that I was wrong?”

Grantaire takes the spotlight from Enjolras by twirling him then dipping him back to his original spot. 

“I loved Al Lipschitz  
More than I can possibly say.” Grantaire winks at Enjolras, trying to convey a message of ‘not as much as I love you!’ But there’s a chance that message was lost, because, you know, context?  
“He was a real artistic guy  
Sensitive, a painter  
But he was always trying to find himself  
He'd go out every night looking for himself  
And on the way  
He found Raoul,  
Gustav  
Philip and Erik  
I guess you could say we broke up  
Because of artistic differences  
He saw himself as alive  
And I saw him dead” Grantaire does a quick handspring for added theatrical effect before taking his place next to Enjolras in the line.

“The dirty bum, bum, bum, bum, bum  
The dirty bum, bum, bum, bum, bum”

“They had it comin'   
They had it comin'   
They had it comin' all along  
'Cause if they used us   
And they abused us   
How could you tell us that we were wrong?  
He had it comin'   
He had it comin'   
He only had himself to blame   
If you'd have been there  
If you'd have seen it   
I betcha you would have done the same”

“You pop that gum one more time!” Bahorel says, which is mixed in with what the others say almost simultaneously.  
“Single my ass”  
“Ten times!”  
“I don't know why Uncle Sam says I did it”  
“Number seventeen, the spread eagle!”  
“Artistic differences”

“Pop”  
“Six”  
“Squish”  
“Uh uh”  
“Cicero”  
“Lipschitz”

**Author's Note:**

> Well! If you enjoyed that.   
> I appreciate it.   
> If you were able to spot the random names I stole from Phantom of the opera, bravo! (Brava, bravissimo....)
> 
> Yeah, okay.
> 
> Also, for the Hungarian part, I don’t speak Hungarian so I found a translation online. If it’s wrong tell me so I can fix it!
> 
> Also, you can look at what inspired this!
> 
> https://m.youtube.com/watch?index=80&list=PLUK6HNwzfsNnVjeZjU4oyHP2RHuPJNDTb&v=ziA1TGNXktY!


End file.
